I want to start with a disclaimer that before you make any judgments please read this entire article first.
It goes without saying that the friends you have now are probably different from the friends you had when you were a child. As humans it is in our nature to be constantly evolving and changing, discovering new interests, new hobbies, and with it new friends who share those same interests. One of the many things I have always enjoyed about gaming is its ability to bring people with wildly different upbringing and cultures together under a unified interest. I, myself, have made friends with people I would have otherwise never met had I not picked up that controller. Through the years I, and many others, have developed bonds with my gaming friends that goes beyond the screen, meeting in person, going to dinner, and becoming true friends.
There is, however, a dilemma I and others like me have faced that I have dubbed "The Revolving Door": when a gaming group reaches a certain size it becomes harder and harder to form strong bonds with every new person who joins and it also becomes harder to maintain the bonds with older friends too. While new people come in and bring new life to a group it seems inevitable that someone will be brushed to the side, whether intentional or not, to make space for them.
Using my experience as an example, the game that has helped me develop the most friendships is Destiny. Now, say what you will about the game, but because of it I made more and more new friends that went beyond a group who got together just to beat a boss. We laughed with each other, we helped each other when things got tough, we canceled plans so that we could all be together. As cliche as it is we felt less like a clan and more like a family.
For those that are unaware, Raids - the activity that can support the most people in Destiny - has a limit of six. So as our group got larger, people would have to sit out. At first this was no big deal - we would just run raids multiple times a week to ensure that everyone had a chance. As time went on things started to change. Some members would get new jobs, and thus their schedule would change to the point where they couldn't make it in time anymore. Others had families to take care of, and with the raids growing more complex it became less feasible to do a raid multiple times a week.
At this time, many of our original core members are no longer doing the raids and some don't even play the game anymore because, as new members joined who had a better availability, it seemed like there was less room for those who couldn't make it.
This is where the revolving door comes in. Now when it comes to the revolving door, I believe there are three tiers.
- The Passerby; these are the people you meet in game but never actually reach out to beyond that. you play games with them occasionally but they are the ones who come and go most often.
- The Core; these are the ones who were there from the beginning, they are the ones who help get everyone together and are usually involved in every activity.
- The Sidelines; these are the ones who were core members but for some reason or another they kept choosing to "sit this one out" so that someone else could go in their place.
The main problem with this is when someone is continuously being sidelined, either by choice or because they are asked to, they start to think, "Maybe these bonds I have built aren't as special to them as they are to me." It makes you want to stop playing the game you loved because "What's the point when the ones you played it for no longer play with you?" When you see your friends playing every new encounter with people who just joined you feel less meaningful.
Now, I want to clarify some things. I am not blaming anyone for the way these groups organically change, nor am I saying new people should not be brought into a group. Making friends online would never have been possible that way. I'm just trying to bring attention to a problem I have noticed over the years and try to give suggestions on how to fix it. Now, as cliche as it is to say: communication is key. If you feel like you have been sidelined, just talk about it. Inform your group that you have been wanting to play with them. Sometimes it's just a matter of them not realizing what's been going on. Now, if you are a core member, just try and be mindful of the rest of your group. I know with erratic schedules and availability it can be hard, and some days you just cant make it work - but even just asking can mean a lot. In addition, if you have done a particular activity a lot, maybe offer to sit out for someone who hasn't had a chance to do it.
The main thing I want you all to take away from reading this is that, like all relationships, an online gaming group still takes some effort. If you want to keep making new friends and playing games together it requires both sides to reach out and talk. Rather than blaming - try and understand. I know not every group works the same as mine but hopefully this can help some of you who are feeling left out, or those of you wondering "What happened to that person we used to play games with?"
