It all started during an otherwise pleasant ride through the mountain trails overlooking Fort Zancudo. After all, even the most street-hardened thugs need to get out for a little R&R. When I reached the end of the trail, I noticed a small, seemingly innocuous spotted cactus growing.
As I approached, things started to get a little weird. Suddenly, the silence of this tranquil mountain top was broken by the pounding of drums off in the distance, and the cry of an eagle could be heard on the wind.
I should have expected from the not-so-subtle Native American motifs that this was no ordinary plant. In fact, it was actually a unique strain of peyote - one that is known for its enhanced potency and exceptionally vivid hallucinogenic effects.
I couldn't say no to free drugs, especially when they come with such an impressive ambiance. So, without hesitation, I kneeled down to pluck the peyote and took a bite.
It was at this moment that I ceased to be the smugly handsome criminal that had defined my previous identity, as I had been transformed into a stunning, regal, and otherwise magnificent poodle. Naturally, I needed make my way back to civilization see what sort of shenanigans I could get up to.
Much to my dismay, I soon learned that my new physical form did not possess the ability to operate a motor vehicle, and that the dirt bike that had originally brought me up the mountain was rendered useless. No matter, who needs a car when you've got four legs to carry you and a wag that just won't quit?
So, I began to make my way down the mountain. Unfortunately, it wasn't long before I discovered that my tiny poodle legs were not at all designed for the sort of strenuous climbing that was required of them. After many face-plants and near-death experiences, I finally reached the base of the mountain. Across the clearing, I could see the gates of Fort Zancudo standing in defiance of my poodle authority, and I realized at that point that it would be my mission to show them what this good boy was capable of.
But first, and as dogs often do, I circled the fort's perimeter in search of weaknesses. Not for any tactical advantage, mind you, but because I needed to find the front gate. Poodles are good at many things, but I came to understand that scaling fences is not one of them. That said, I didn't find any gaps in their defenses, but I did eventually happen upon the entrance.
Trotting down the road leading to the front gate, I spotted my first victim. Little did this guardsman know that this would be his last day on Earth.
I knew that this soldier would be the first of many if others were alerted to his distress, so I needed to be tactful. In order to dispatch him quickly and without detection, my attack would require absolute precision, grace, and finesse. If executed successfully, I would be able to dispatch my foe before he knew what hit him, and the others would be none-the-wiser.
But then I remembered that I was a dog, and that my options were extremely limited. So, I did the only sensible thing I could think of and pounced at him with the ferocity of a thousand fluffs.
As it turns out, most people aren't expecting to be attacked by an elegantly groomed poodle, and, furthermore, aren't exactly quiet whilst in the process of being mauled by one.
Like most organic beings, poodles are not at all resilient to conventional weapons. That is to say, nearby soldiers were quick to take lethal action against me after witnessing their comrade being violently murdered. Sadly, my dense coat of fluff was not enough to defend me against a volley of bullets.
And with that, my journey came to an end, and I can only assume that the world went back to the way it was.
When my human self awoke in a nearby patch of flowers, I looked across the clearing towards Fort Zancudo and pondered whether or not the events that had just transpired had all been in my head. Or perhaps if I were to once again visit the front gate, I would find a plaque on the guard post commemorating a fallen soldier whom lost his life at the jaws of a poodle. I figured it was probably best just to leave it alone.
This wouldn't be my last encounter with peyote, nor would it be the deadliest - believe it or not.
Don't ask me what happened to this hiker.
Rockstar recently introduced peyote to GTA Online, which had previously been exclusive to the single-player version of the game. This of course opens up a plethora of doors for players to share in their absurd, drug-fueled shenanigans.
